BIG LOLS. The thing about start-ups is one day you're working full time from home, settled into a routine after almost 2 years, and then the next day there's no money and you no longer have a FT job at the end of September.
Anyway, I've done 2 rounds of chemo and the second one really knocked me out towards the end. My doc doubled my Temodar dose between rounds 1 & 2 and giiiiiirl that shit is wild. Luckily I'm a workaholic who spent most of her 20s hungover so I can drag myself through anything. Still sux tho.
I don't really have much to say any more about the ~cancer~ of it all right now, so here are a few random notes, screenshots, and things I've written down in the last few months, tumblr style:
This segment from poet Andrea Gibson's substack (which has been a guiding light for me lately as she also documents her own cancer journey): Through it all I’ve found consistent comfort in these words by Eckhart Tolle: “Acceptance of the unacceptable is the greatest source of grace in this world.” I know this grace intimately now. Two years ago, after a surgery to remove cancer from my diaphragm, the pain was so intense I swore I felt like I’d been sewn up with the blade inside. While Meg frantically called friends to see if she should be calling 911 instead, I said yes outloud, over and over, until I found myself in a state of full acceptance, and had a realization that changed my life—when not resisting, it is possible to experience intense pain while simultaneously experiencing an almost ecstatic love and gratitude for living.
Another from the same Andrea Gibson newsletter: After a couple of days of managing the grief and fear by not managing it at all, I finally began to welcome the feelings that arose within me, especially the most mangled, tangled ones. After doing that, I soon found myself nestled in the arms of my most consistent and reliable savior—Curiosity.
A Notes app page that only says: "Katie Ledecky said physically I’m built to endure"
"If I Had More Time, I Would Have Written a Shorter Letter."
"Good morning love, Today, remember to appreciate the fact that you can set boundaries for yourself."
"Oh, wait, if I work and I’m able to provide for myself, what do I truly have to be afraid of?” Not so much. And, well, then you can approach something like freedom, I guess."
"Be careful and do your best with your energy"
Comments